For the last year or so, I’ve struggled with finding balance between my home and family, my childcare and my publishing business. I’ve stayed up into the wee hours of the night to get things done. I leave my house a wreck each morning as I rush to get downstairs to open up daycare after getting my three youngest girls fed, dressed and on the bus… and I find myself torn into threes with each task that I approach.
My problem is that I love all of my jobs. I love spending my days with little children and helping guide them and teach them in a natural and gentle way.
I love writing down my ideas and creating curriculum to share with others who are doing the same work as me. And, of course, my first love is my family and my home and caring for them. All too often, I find myself having little left to give them and its not fair.
My husband has also launched a new business while still working at his current position and he now needs some of my help.
There is just not enough of me to go around and something has to give.
This weekend I made the painstaking decision not to reopen my childcare this coming Fall. It is something I have gone back and forth with in my mind for a long time. I even found a wonderful assistant to hire with the hope of doing it all somehow. But when I sat down and looked at all of the details on paper, my head was already spinning. It just wasn’t working. It hasn’t been working for awhile and I needed to finally allow myself to let go.
It really isn’t easy.
I love the children so much. I will miss them. I love the time I have spent being a teacher. I feel guilt knowing that the families will now have to find another caregiver for their child. Some of these families have become dear friends of mine. But, it is time to admit I can’t do it all and open up some space in my life. Hopefully this decision will feel better after some time has passed because right now it feels hard.
I plan on still offering my nature club programs and camps to children in the community. I hope to take the Little Acorn Learning guides to a new level as I have so many ideas but just no time to write them down. I will go into the office of our new business a few mornings per week and hopefully, there will be some time left still for my home, my garden, my husband, my four girls and myself.
For now I will just practice breathing out and letting go until it feels natural.
Wish me luck.